Some moments close in on you
inch by inch like some kind of trap sprung in an ancient temple.
Some spaces want you out.
They say, pull the eject lever
or risk peril
– the sweat-soaked moist and warm crevices of the unknown
despair stuffed in a throat and choked on,
risk finding out what happens
when you endure.
Last year I took a trip to the Reader’s Studio in NYC and came back super-charged and inspired. Afterwards I steeped myself in tarot and ritual. I explored. During a Beltaine ritual, and one of the first spreads after the trip, I pulled the Hanged One in response to the question – how can I accept imperfection?
I worked with the spread for over 21 days. Long enough to scribble pages of notes and create and work with a new awareness practice. Long enough to look my own trial in the face – perfectionism, victimhood, paralyzing fear. I was deep in the habit of using “what if” to scare myself. But I was also beginning to use my “what ifs” to expand. The Hanged One reinforced my need to accept where I was – insecure, afraid, paralyzed and also willing to move, to dance, to teach, to write a poem, to try. To explore discomfort with awareness.
Beltaine is coming soon. I’ll head to the Reader’s Studio once more in 2 weeks and soon I’ll do this practice again, with all of its part. In honor of my trip and in honor of how far I’ve come in the last year, I wrote about the Hanged One for my Light & Shadow series over at littleredtarot.com. I took part of my scribbled notes and made a fillable worksheet which you can use if you’d like a framework for working with Trial. Soon I’ll write out the rest of this practice, the rest of what I did last year to usher myself a little further out of fear. For now I rest; I prepare; I get ready to receive.
I invite the lightning.
The storm of awakening.
The spark of the homecoming of consciousness.
It’s been awhile since I’ve posted. I will have plenty more to say very soon.
Featured deck: Morgan Greer Tarot, US Games 1979